Am I getting worse or is just windy today? I normally am at least 2mph quicker through here. Maybe I am just a bit tired. Maybe it’s a headwind, yep that must be it, must be a headwind. Or maybe my tyre pressure is low, yep that plus a headwind. Definitely that my legs are rubbish!
When will this hill end? This hill looked much smaller on Strava. Nobody else had commented on this being the killer hill. Maybe my rear brake is locked on as this hill is way more tough than it should be. 10 more seconds and it will all be over, 10 more seconds, just around this final bend. Fuck! This hill is never going to end. That’s it, I’m going to get off and walk the rest. No way. What if someone from my club sees me walking. I can’t get off.
What was that noise on my bike? Is that the bottom bracket? I knew I should have cleaned my bike after that last ride when it was wet. Definitely need a new groupset after this. Chain must be at least 1,000 miles old. New groupset sounds like the answer. But if I’m getting a new groupset, what about a new bike. Oh yes. That sound is getting worse definitely need to think about a new bike.
Could that fecking driver get any closer as he went past? Its Sunday morning and I’m lit up like a Christmas tree why couldn’t that dude give me some space. What an idiot. I’m going to catch him at the next lights and do some serious finger wagging. What car was it, a Mondeo? No it was a BMW. Or was it that Audi. Crap, I can’t remember now. Bloody cars. Why can’t every day be closed roads. Jesus that lorry nearly took me out. That’s it I’m giving up on this cycling lark and going to hide in the garage on my turbo trainer. I do hate my turbo trainer though and the sun is pretty lovely this morning. I love this cycling business.
I wish I had taken the time for a dump before leaving this morning. I don’t need the loo, just a bumpy road. I definitely don’t need the loo, I’ll be fine. This is my best segment ever on Strava there is no way I am stopping for the loo. Oh no I’m not gonna make it. An accident in my favourite Rapha lycra is going to be messy and I don’t want to be cleaning that up. Ok I’m going to need to stop, I’m going to have to stop real soon. Forget about toilets and toilet paper I just need a decent tree, a bush, even a fence would do. Oh I wish I could have taken the time for a dump before I left the house this morning instead of that bacon butty!
Is that another cyclist up ahead and are they going slower than me? That looks like a lycra ass up ahead, must be another cyclist. I can have them I know it, I rock at hill climbing and this new aero lid is the business. Definitely good for at least 1mph quicker pace. It is another cyclist and I’m smashing them. Check me out I’m a Tour de France legend. Hang on, is that a mountain bike? Crap. It is a mountain bike and that dude riding it must be at least 80. All my aero carbon and cleats to hunt down a dude on the way to the shops to buy his paper. Maybe not quite so legendary. Shite.
Am I still going the right way? I don’t remember this junction. And I definitely didn’t cycle on any fricking dual carriageway last time I took this route. Or did I? I Could stop and check out the map on my phone. Hang on did I even bring my phone today? Oh man I’m proper lost now, Bristol should not be appearing on that sign. Damn I’m going to have to stop and ask someone the way. Nightmare.
I don’t remember this road being so rubbish. How many potholes can one man hit in a single day. This is like bloody off-roading. If I’d known this was such a pants road I’d have come out on the mountain bike. My poor Mavic carbon rims, they’re not going to cope with much more of this. Bloody crap roads. Road taxes, what exactly is that supposed to be for? Traffic bloody cones? My poor bike deserves better than this, I’m moving to the continent where they show bikes some proper love.
Please don’t puncture, please don’t puncture. 20 miles from home and 2 punctures today. Bloody hate punctures. And worse I’ve now got no more spare inner tubes. Jesus I don’t want to phoning the missus again for another rescue mission after I run out of inner tubes. Please don’t puncture, I’m already in enough trouble as I should have been back 2 hours ago. Come on my beautiful machine, get me home in one piece and please, please no more punctures today and I promise you a proper clean today and plenty of love before I dump you back in the garage.
How big does my ass look in these new shorts! These new shorts looked much better on the interweb. Probably should have tried them before heading out this morning because my potatoes look like they are on the outside of these shorts. And as for my arse the crack is practically on show the lycra is so thin. I properly feel sorry for that Doris who was following me for a few miles and got a close up view of my butt. My ass definitely looks massive in these new shorts.